One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person’s pain without trying to fix it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person’s mystery and misery. Standing there we feel useless and powerless, which is exactly how the person feels—and our own unconscious need is to reassure ourselves that we are not like the soul before us.
Parker Palmer
How true! It is hard to simply stand “at the edge” of someone else’s mystery and misery. The urge to fix and solve bangs at the door.
Standing at the edge of someone else’s mystery and misery is painful. We don’t like pain, especially our own. We look for ways to avoid it or numb it.
Most of us don’t like to admit we are powerless. After all, if we do get stuck, we call 911, AAA, or our therapist. But we are powerless over others and over circumstances. The only thing we have power over is how we respond to others and to circumstances.
“Being present to another person’s pain without trying to fix it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge” is a good definition of empathy. Stand respectfully. Choose to be present. And most importantly, not try to fix and and try to make ourselves feel better.
Clinical psychologists William Miller and Stephen Rollnick named this desire to make things right for the other person the” Righting Reflex.” And it is a reflex. When someone comes to us with a problem, we default to what we know and what we think is best. When we do this we impose our will and discredit the other person. We might as well say, “Hey, you don’t have a clue. I know what to do. I’m deciding what is right.”
Empathy is something I have to continually cultivate. I want things to go my way. I want people to think or behave the way I think they should. I want the world the way that makes sense for me, especially when it comes to people I love. After all, I want the best for them. I know what’s right and good for them. I know what’s best for society, my community, heck, even the world.
But despite my pride and best intentions, and thanks to God’s wisdom, I do not have the power to craft another person’s life or correct the world’s ills. Sure, there are times when advice is helpful, but only when it is invited, not when it is imposed.
I am powerless to erase another person’s pain and suffering. I am powerless to resolve their difficulties. I do have the power to stand at the edge.