This website is supposed to be a place of encouragement, a moment of grace, and place of peace. To be honest, I haven’t felt peaceful lately. My basket of grace is empty. I’m stuck in muddy doubt and fear. I’m renting space in my head to Scarcity Mentality.
It may all be timely. This is Holy Week and we’re reminded to empty ourselves and admit our brokenness. We walk towards Friday’s darkness.
Or it just may be that I’ve turned my sights in on myself.
To be honest, that’s probably it.
I’ve been here before–confused, worried, afraid, convinced that my best efforts will fail to meet my needs. I can taste the fear. It’s rancid vinegar. Doubt, like the smoke from burning refuse, clings to me.
One piece of wisdom guides me through these self-absorbed times: Pray.
Al Anon taught me that the best place to start praying during these times is to admit that I’m powerless. Al Anon also taught me to remake the daily decision to “turn my life over to the care of God” as I understand God.
The Episcopal church gave me an anchoring prayer for these times.
Lord God, almighty and everlasting Father, you have brought me in safety to this new day: Preserve me with your mighty power, that I may not fall into sin, nor be overcome by adversity; and in all I do direct me to the fulfilling of your purpose; through Jesus Christ my Lord.
Amen.
BCP, Collect for Grace, Morning Prayer II
Today is a new day. God is the one with the power to preserve and sustain. I don’t have that power. In fact no other human being has that power. That’s a good thing!
When I pray that God keeps me from “falling into sin,” I think about the slithery sins of fear, doubt, jealousy, judgment, and envy–my character defects. The adversity that I face is generally of my own making–worry, fear, a scarcity mentality. When the roots of adversity sink into dark places beyond my control, I still need God’s protection.
May the Collect for Grace speak to you.
